Chapter 35

Hey everybody, 

So it's June 11th 2017 about 3 hours before my 35th birthday and I am in a reflective place as many of us become before birthdays. 
I haven't blogged since 2012 and soooo much has changed and transpired. 

The level of transparency of this post may make some people uncomfortable and that is just fine with me; nothing changes in the comfort zone. 
This year has been HARD. 
It started with a job that I just knew was perfect! Dysfunctional is an understatement. Mind you it was a "Christian" institution. 
*GEM* Just because something falls "technically" under a particular umbrella does not mean it carries all the characteristics to truly be worthy of said title. (this also goes for people)
Nothing about this place was Christian except the name. 

While working there, something in me thought it was a good idea to go back to school, and I will be honest that was a fail of epic proportions. My attempt to balance school, family, ministry, and work drove me to a therapists couch. 

Now I know what you are thinking "Oh she saved why she ain't just pray her way out that thang?" (insert judgmental neck/eye roll  and or side eye or a combo of the two here)

Or let me guess.....Black people don't go to therapy.......

Well this Saved by Grace Melanin Rich woman does!!!!! And I am Not Ashamed. 

Therapy reveled that there was so much more beyond the surface that was going on with me.  

I was suffering from Severe Depression and Anxiety.

Going to school was just the straw that broke the camels back.  

*GEM* God was the bobby pin holding the messy bun of my life together. 

There were times I could barely get the words together to pray, barely even get my thoughts together straight.

 Help is all I could come up with for a long while.

I prayed and prayed for help and it came in the form of a Christian Therapist. I am a firm believer that God works through doctors & sometimes medicine.

I am in a better place but its not a overnight thing, it is a process. This time has truly helped me to know GRACE in its fullness.Being someone who is usually in the role of "the strong one" when I told others they would dismiss or diminish my feelings.

 Now I am not sharing this for anyone to feel sorry for me. I am sharing because there are others out there just like me. 

So my strong sister who is reading this you are not alone. Your feelings are valid. 

Don't ever be afraid to get help. Asking for help doesn't make you weak.

It has taken me 35 years to fully come to the realization that I am not meant to fit in; I had tried so hard for so long to no avail. 

I was dimming my own light because the shine made others uncomfortable. In return I was 

 miserable, and you know what they say "Misery Loves Company". That is a whole other story.

People swear words don't hurt. That is a LIE. They cut deep.  It was like the cuts were infected this year and spreading to all aspects of my life. Every hurtful thing that had been said to me over these last few years would play on the projector of my mind. And my spirit was crushed in a million ways. 

Side note: Church-folk are the most critical people I have EVER come across in life. And as the body of Christ WE must do better! You never know the true hell or turmoil someone is facing and here you go with your ole holier than thou selves......but I digress.  

*GEM* People will build you up and tear you down for the exact same thing!!!!!!

Chapter 35 is a whole new page (literally). I refuse to subscribe to the box that others would love to see me live in. 

I am an imperfect being in need of a perfect God. 

I am just a woman who wants to see us ALL shine. 

This blog is to re introduce myself (allow me to reintroduce myself my name is HOV....Oh I'm the only one who does that??? LML) 

I pray my sharing blesses you......

35 I Am Ready
Stay Tuned

 Syn 

35 Takeaways  (Stuff you have probably heard before but gentle reminders never hurt anyone)

1. What did not break me is making me. 

2. I may bend but I am not meant to break. 

3. Live in the actual moments. Everything doesn't have to make the social media highlight reel.

4. I won't be every one's cup of tea, but I am someones hot chocolate *wink 

5. Stop saying yes to things you hate! 5& a half.  No is a complete answer that doesn't require and explanation. 

6. Not everyone is going to be happy about your insert new venture here.  Pay more attention to the Creator not the Critics 

7. Disappear  come back better. 

8. Don't be afraid of doing too much or being too much, suppressing your authentic self will only make you miserable.  

9. Unplug when you need to. Protect your mental space. Protect your PEACE.

10.In order to figure out who I am I have to figure out who I am not.

11. You don't need to look outside yourself to find value.

12. Progress tends to happen when you are not looking. (a watched pot never boils)

13. Create boundaries but don't build walls in the process.

14. Stop thanking the Peters in your life and thank your Judas!

15.An over inflated ego is worse than low self esteem

16.Until you have a cross you have no right to ask for a crown.

17. They thought they were watching you struggle they were actually watching you build strength.

18.When God has assigned greatness to your life there will always be people who want to find and point out flaws and diminish your greatness.Be Great ANYWAY!

19. Covered things never get healed. 

20. No battle has the power to take you out or defeat you unless you let it. 

21.Every Attack is always bigger than you. 

22.People often project the limitations they have put on themselves onto you. RESIST.

23. Silence is Not neutral.

24. There is Purpose where I am. Purpose isn't some future destination.

25.A mind is a terrible thing to waste but a wasted soul would be worse.

26.A tree never eats its fruit. We are seeds planted to bear fruit for the next person.

27.Action can be the greatest enemy of fear.

28. Seeking is active. It indicates doing something.

29. The most satisfying work is helping others.

30. Don't try to hide your scars, they are stories for a hurting world of wounds only Jesus can heal.

31. Pray often. God hears even the silent prayers when the words just don't flow.

32.Grow where your planted. They are throwing dirt not knowing you are a seed!

33. Unless you try your faith you will never know how strong you are. 

34.I let go of anyone who enjoys making others feel small.

35. The pit-stops look nothing like the destination. Don't get them confused.